In the last year or so, I’ve been dubbed somewhat of a “Selfie Queen,” a title I’ve ultimately decided to embrace, even if reluctantly at first. While science hoaxes try to claim selfitis is a mental disorder in which people take too many selfies to make up for a lack of self-esteem, I look at selfies as a form of self-expression. Who says you can’t be your own muse?!
When Steve Madden hit me up to provide them with some sage advice on “The Art Of Selfie”, I realized it was the perfect opportunity to share my vain wisdom and save some sorry souls from a world of duck face, smudgy camera lenses, and unnerving judgment. (Oh, and if you’re one of those people who has some sad anonymous selfie slave taking photographs of you in different poses all day long, you’re the worst, hands down.) Let’s get to it!
KNOW YOUR ANGLES
The basics of taking any good selfie are knowing what angles flatter you most. It’s a simple concept, but critically important. I always joke that if my life were epitomized by an episode of Seinfeld, it would be the one where Jerry’s girlfriend looks either really good, or like a total crackhead, depending on the lighting.
OPTIONS, OPTIONS, OPTIONS
It’s a rare and magical thing when a selfie comes out perfect on the first try, so it’s important to have a few options to choose from. That being said, sometimes too many options can be an issue…
LIMIT ONE SELFIE PER OUTFIT PLEASE
So you’re having a good face day. Congratulations. As tempted as you might be to machine gun post a slew of selfies, show some self-restraint. I mean shit, save some for the #TBT.
I love how chicks want a medal every time they hashtag a selfie #NoFilter, especially when #YouProbablyShouldHaveUsedOne. Sure, filters have become a sort of virtual makeup, and they can be quite misleading, but filters and color editing apps also help provide feel and mood. You’d be surprised, but lighting can truly make or break an image.
PLAY DRESS UP
Those shoes you absolutely adore but can’t even stand in? Wear em’ on Instagram. That lip color you wouldn’t dare pull off in public? Rock it on Instagram. The slutty Sailor Moon outfit you bought at a cosplay shop in Tokyo? In the name of the moon, #DoItForTheGram.
SET THE SCENE
Nobody cares how good you look if there’s a crime scene or grimy public bathroom in the background. Make the bed, clean your mirror, and keep dirty panties and other embarrassing items out of sight.
IF YOU WANNA BE RISQUÉ, OWN THAT SHIT
First of all, #FreeTheNipple all day, every day. If the voluptuousness of my body offends you, please swipe to the left. Don’t let anybody give you shit about being proud to be tastefully revealing. You owe explanations to no one, especially not repressed IG haters. I mean…who gon’ check you, boo?
IF YOU HATE IT, DELETE IT
Don’t selfie just for the sake of a selfie. Whether it’s the photo itself, or the way it looks with the rest of your feed, check your selfie before you wreck your selfie.
BEWARE OF ENHANCEMENT APPS
Look babe, if you wanna erase a dark circle or a pimple, go right ahead.. But GTFO with your waist-slimming funhouse mirror pic. Try sucking in and do the skinny arm just like the rest of us, God.
DON’T SETTLE FOR MEDIOCRITY
I know how powerful that desire for instant Internet gratification can be, but quality over quantity, always.
Illustrations by Deer Dana.